I can’t remember where I first heard this tied to narcissism, but I feel the term fits.
Have you ever heard a dog whistle when it’s blown? Don’t worry if you haven’t. It was created to produce a frequency too high for human ears (you may hear a hissing sound) but clear enough for dogs to hear and react. Depending on how hard the whistle is blown, the sound can simply grab the dog’s attention or cause intense pain to his ears.
The purpose of a dog whistle is behavior modification. It may be used to stop an attacking dog, to teach a dog to not bark at night, or to stop a different unwanted behavior. It’s often seen as a training tool.
Narcissists continually work on their victims to keep them “under control” so that they do the intended behavior the narcissist desires. Narcissists enjoy destruction – the more disastrous, the more they enjoy it. Crowds make a great background because narcissists can create chaos and then look innocent.
So how do they “dog whistle” people?
Imagine you and your narc friend are having company over for dinner. It’s your turn to make dinner. For most of the last couple weeks, she’s complained about how your food is prepared incorrectly. She’s found a way to complain without directly telling you the reason she eats your food is because starving to death is the only other option. You’ve tried to take her preparation suggestions, offered meal alternatives, and are always told to keep cooking since “it doesn’t taste as bad as it you’re making it sound.”
One night, several people visit for dinner. While all of you are at the table, and your narc friend starts making movements and expressions she makes to you when she thinks you’ve done something wrong. No one else notices. She makes comments that seem benign to everyone else, but you understand they are direct jabs at you. Once she has set the stage, the audience is primed and you are irritated, she plays up the show.
Narcissist: (Coughing loudly and repeatedly clearing her throat) “Could someone get me another glass of water, please? I don’t know why my throat is so dry.”
This comment is her way of reminding you of her complaint earlier that night about your cooking. Whether she hinted that you used too much seasoning or that you overcooked the food, you recognize that she has been insulting you the whole night. (She “has to.” No one is supposed to think that you might cook better than she can.)
At this point, you abruptly get up from the table, tell her to cook her own food if she dislikes yours so much, and storm away. The guests are stunned, and your narc gets to play the surprised victim. She may say, “I have no idea where that came from! I didn’t even say anything about her food. I just asked for a glass of water.” Or she may say, “This is what I have to put up with. I can’t even ask for something to wash my food down with her blowing things out of proportion.”
Narcissist gets two wins:
1. She’s angered you enough to get you to react and embarrass yourself.
2. She’s viewed as the innocent victim who has a good heart for putting up with a nut for a roommate
Your night is ruined, and she’s the center of attention…just as she likes it.